Discipline
Effective and positive discipline teaches and guides children’s development of self-discipline, it is not about forcing them to obey. Discipline creates structure that helps children navigate the real world.
Everyone will tackle this differently. Whether you are dealing with a feet kicking screaming toddler, or a moody teen, it can be hard to find a way to deescalate the situation and discipline negative behaviour. It is entirely dependant on what works for you, your family and your child. Although, it is essential to note that physical punishment should never be used towards your child. Physical punishment is not linked to an improvement of behaviour and will likely result in an escalation of behavioural problems. Dealing with a child’s negative behaviour can be an extremely stressful situation. To avoid an escalation of negative behaviours and reactions from both you and your child it is important to take a step back if you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation. Take a minute to pause and take some deep breathes to enable yourself to respond in a calm and controlled way.
There are several discipline styles out there. Often parents will use a combination of discipline styles, dependant on the situation. As nannies, we have dealt with our fair share of negative behaviour from children of all ages and definitely have our favourite methods that we feel are most effective. For us, we personally favour the positive discipline method, especially when dealing with small children.
Positive discipline
This style is largely based on praise whilst falling into the category of authoritative parenting. The principal behind the discipline is teaching your children how to problem solve by working with them through their troubles. It is common for young children to express their frustrations through physical acts such as kicking you, or even another child during play. They need to learn emotional regulation. In this situation is is important not to shout at the child or get angry with them. It is your job to teach them how to better express their emotions and understand their feelings. Firstly, acknowledge and validate their feelings. Help them understand that is ok to have these emotions but explain to them that it is not ok to react in that manner. Teach your child how to express their feelings in a safe and healthy manner. Alongside this, positive discipline uses calm consequences to help children learn that there are repercussions to negative behaviour. These are often delivered through a warning system and are most effective with younger children. For example, if your child hits another child out of frustration in the park, explain to them that you understand they are frustrated but they cannot hit another person as it hurts and isn’t kind. Explain to them that if they hit them again you are going to have to leave the park and go home. This can also work for a whole host of behaviours such as if your child is drawing on the walls with pen explain to them that they need to stop and if they don’t you will have to take the markers away. Giving these warnings helps a child to learn that they have a choice in how they behave and allows them the opportunity to change their behaviour but if they choose to continue negative behaviours there will be consequences. If the child continues to engage in the negative behaviour, follow through with the consequence but do so in a very calm manner. Do not shout or show anger towards the child. Ensure that the consequence you are imposing is realistic. Avoid telling your child they won’t have any screen time for a week, this is realistically quite hard to follow through with, instead inform them that as a consequence they can’t have any screen time in the morning or the afternoon. Consistency is the most important part.
Although we favour positive discipline, there are a host of other options out there! Find what works best for you and your child. If you have more than one child you might find you have to adapt your approach for each individual child. Take some time to learn about the different discipline styles we have summarised below.
Gentle discipline
Gentle discipline is seen as an extension of positive discipline but has a strong focus on meeting a child’s emotional needs using respect and empathy. If a child is upset or frustrated, their feelings are validated and not brushed off as irrelevant or unseen. This method steers away from using punishment as a consequence. Instead, if a child is going to make a poor choice of behaviour a parent will highlight the negative consequences to them giving them the choice on how they proceed. It is important to highlight that this method differs from permissive parenting where a parent or caregiver is resistant to imposing limits and rules believing the child will learn best with little intervention. Gentle discipline uses natural consequences of behaviour and reward systems to encourage positive behaviour. Gentle discipline ensures the child knows the reason behind an adult asking them to do something. For example, if your child is told to walk in a car park but instead begins running, instead of saying ‘you must walk because I said so’, a parent using gentle discipline would simply explain to the child that they must walk because cars can be dangerous and you are there to keep them safe. There is a large focus on redirection in the gentle discipline style, to steer children away from negative behaviour. Children are often distracted and redirected to other activities to stop the negative behaviour. Time-outs may be used to teach children to take a step back and take a break when they are upset or frustrated.
Boundary-based discipline
This discipline style is strongly linked to the authoritative parenting style, a style defined as responsive and supportive yet lays out clear limits for their children. Boundary based discipline involves setting clear guidelines to your child and consistently enforcing punishments for negative behaviour that violates the imposed limits and guidelines. Boundary based discipline provides a safe and structured environment for children to develop feelings of responsibility, showing them that their actions have consequences. The most important thing in this method is transparency. Be clear on what your expectations are and what consequences will follow any deviations from these rules.
Behaviour modification
This is a method focused on positive and negative consequences. There is a strong reliance on incentives which may result in a child becoming extrinsically motivated and this method may not necessarily address the underlying issues that are leading to a child’s display of negative behaviour. When using the behaviour modification method, parents often set up a system of incentives and sanctions to reward good behaviour and discourage negative behaviour. The idea is that these rewards an penalties mold a child’s conduct.
Emotion coaching
Similarly to an aspect of positive discipline, emotion coaching focuses on teaching children about their feelings. Having an awareness of your own emotions and learning how to regulate them is something that takes a lot of time. Emotion coaching is about helping your child understand that their feelings are valid and teaching them appropriate ways in which they can act upon their feelings. For example, a child may hit out when they are angry. Using emotion coaching, a child will learn that instead of hitting out they can just verbalise how they feel and you can then work together on finding a solution.
Overall, it is important not to get too caught up with the details of each discipline method. It will take some time to find what works best for you and your family so don’t feel any pressure to get it right straight away there will always be some bumps in the road! The key to disciplining any child is never use physical violence, no matter how minor, and avoid raising your voice and becoming angry yourself. The rest will fall into place.